LIANNE RAYMOND

becalmed instead of stuck; drawn instead of driven

My friend, Kelly, was just lamenting about being stuck. In fact, we hear this often from creatives or from people who feel they aren't making enough progress on their goals or their life lists.  I think the idea of being stuck is wrapped up in a faulty metaphor that we buy into without even knowing it.

"Everyone in the modern West has taken up Freud’s vocabulary, even if they’ve never studied psychology. We ask, “what is driving me to do this?”—usually not realizing that the origin of this way of explaining things is the Viennese originator of psychoanalysis, who said that we had within us certain drives (for example, a sexual drive) that maneuver us around. We claim, with this question, that there are these forces within us, both known and unknown, that are having us take action (or in some cases refraining from taking it).

Yet no one has ever seen “a drive.” That’s okay because no one has ever seen “happiness” either. We grew up learning these words in a particular culture, and when we observe certain behaviors, including how people speak and describe their experience, we say that a “drive” or “happiness” is present. The trouble begins when we forget that these words are descriptors and are not pointing to freestanding phenomena such as a mountain, a river, or a tree."

~ James Flaherty

Why did Freud use the word drive?  Because the definition fit his theory - drive means "to push from behind" as in a team of horses; as in a car.  We are immersed in the metphors of a car culture.  We sing about life being a highway, we talk about running out of gas and putting the pedal to the metal, we publish amazing books on the importance of intrinsic motivation and erroneously title them Drive. (yes, I'm looking at you, Dan Pink.) And this is why we think we get stuck. We think there is some unknowable force that needs to push us. Or that we need to push ourselves.

Stuck is an extension of our metaphorical drive thinking, it implies a linear process. Imagine a car stuck in the snow or mud - what do you do?  You spin your wheels, you try to force it out by pushing from behind. You gun it, pressing down on the gas pedal as fast and as far as you can.

There is power in the words we use - the way we talk can bring us freedom and open us up, or it can close us down. To quote James Flaherty again, "Please start to notice when you begin speaking in a way that ties you up in knots, that leaves you with few options for action, that leaves you estranged from others [or from yourself- L], that leaves you distraught."  I think that's what happens when we talk about being stuck.

I'm proposing an alternate metaphor to describe this state/process. In sailing the term used when the wind dies down such that the boat stops moving is becalmed. Becalmed. Be. Calmed. Whoa, how cool is that? That's a world away from stuck. Completely different energy in that word.

And what do sailors do when their boat is becalmed?  Well, first of all they recognize that it's a partnership - the boat is not completely under their control - it moves due to a partnership between the wind and the sailor.They have techniques for ensuring they can make the most of any light wind that comes up, for allowing themselves to be drawn, rather than driven.

1. Lighten the weight - the heavier the boat, the more drag.  What's weighing you down?

2. Move towards the centre of the boat.  How can you move closer to that which moves you?

3. Seek the ripples - little ripples on the water tell you where the slightest wind is. What is making your heart flutter?

4. Minimize unnecessary movements - they rob you of momentum. Rest.

5. Use the current.  Where is the deeper flow that you can tap into? Create rituals and routines that can act as your  current.

6. Keep all movements slow and steady - quick, jerky movements keep your boat from gliding. Small steps.

7. Remember that even on the calmest days, a slight breeze always comes up as the sun begins to go down.  Don't panic.

Tell me where I'm wrong.

rituals instead of resolutions

New Year's Day has always been associated with the particular act of making resolutions. Resolution comes from the Latin resolvere, which means to untie. And this is how many people use their resolutions - as a time to set a goal to break a bad habit. You know the ones. They are narrow goals that are all about STOP! They take the form of "I will stop eating junk food." "I will stop smoking.", etc. These are limiting because there is no new state - no possibilty. We know from the research that we are not motivated by negativity or fear, but we are motivated by connecting to what we really want our lives to be.

Instead of doing the same old resolution thing this year, why not come up with a ritual that speaks to you, touches your emotions (which we know is necessary for change to happen) and allows for space, grace and possibility.

I've gathered some ideas here - maybe some of these will provide ingredients for your own New Year's ritual.

Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, describes how she brought home what she learned about the importance of ritual in Indonesia (transcribed from an interview with CBC Tapestry):

The Indonesians are the ones who get, "When in doubt, make a ritual. And when there isn't one, make one up that suits you." ...

When you create a ritual, often in Bali they involve burning, smoke, offering up flowers or letting something loose into the sea, you know, you let go of something, you let go of your own sense of doership, you let go of your own sense of "I gotta manage this, I gotta fix this." You give it away. You send it up in smoke, you send it up in prayer, you send it into the water and you come away, regardless of what you might believe about whether God responds to your request, there is no doubt that you come away calmer.

I did a massive New Years' ritual this year with my best friend, Jennifer, here in Philadelphia, who is a yoga instructor. And we got together the week before New Year's and we wrote intentions and we cleaned the house and we did cleanses. And then on New Years' morning we got up really early and we walked down to a pond and we hung these little homemade bird feeders in the trees- you know, little pine cones filled with peanut butter and bird seed, and each bird seed had been put there as a prayer and an intention so the birds could take it and fly it to heaven. And you know, it's all like voodoo, woodoo, goodee stuff, but let me tell you how euphoric that day was - and, you know, coming home feeling like I'm participating in destiny here, you know, I'm making an offering, I'm letting things go, I'm wishing for things, and it's a wonderful way to begin New Years Day, instead of, you know, hung over.

And from Jen Lemen: A Little Ritual for Letting Go of Fear and Other Things That Weigh You Down

Andrea at Superhero Journal makes lists of what she is grateful for and what she intends to create in her life in the next year.

Another popular alternative is creating a life theme or choosing a word for the year.

And emdot and her friends created prayer flags for their words. (If you like this idea, Liz sells lovely prayer flags in her Etsy shop with pockets for your intentions.)

Me, I'm going to do a little combination of things - I'm not sure exactly what it will look like yet, but I'm going for a walk down by the river to think about it and see what inspires me.

"identified" motivation

Have you ever looked at Men's Health magazine? The name is innocuous enough but this comes close to being the men's version of Cosmo. Who knew? But there it was beckoning to me from the magazine strewn table in my massage therapist's office the other day, looking all shiny and new amongst the Reader's Digests and MacCall's from last century. Flipping through it I stumbled on an interesting article about motivation. It bolstered some of the things I've already written about around intrinsic motivation but adds a concept called "identified" motivation. This is all culled from self-determination theory (SDT), which has it's roots at the University of Rochester.

Proponents of SDT have conducted numerous studies on exercise adherence over the years, and the results are remarkably consistent: The less intrinsic your motivation for exercising is -- that is, the more you are working out because you think you should and not because you really enjoy it -- the less likely you are to stick with it.

In a 2004 study published in the International Journal of Sport and Health Science, researchers classified 486 exercisers on a motivation scale. This included people who were intrinsically motivated to exercise -- they did it because it was fun -- and those given some outside motivation to start moving. The results: Six months into the study, the intrinsically motivated people who were still exercising outnumbered their externally prodded peers three to one.

And other motivators you'd think would work, don't. Studies have found that those who exercise to keep their doctors happy tend not to stick with it. Sweating solely to be more physically attractive to others loses, too: In a 1997 study, Ryan and others found that those who signed up for an exercise class for vanity reasons were less likely to attend than those who signed up for fitness reasons.

Indeed, the only thing that comes close to matching pure intrinsic motivation when it comes to perseverance is what SDT researchers call "identified" motivation -- that is, people who have come to truly believe exercise is worth doing because it's good for you and the benefits are valuable. "Identified motivation can be nearly as powerful as intrinsic motivation," says Philip Wilson, Ph.D., an assistant professor of psychology at Canada's Brock University who has researched SDT and exercise. Wilson, a former pro soccer player, has seen the phenomenon in his own life. His time in the gym these days isn't as much fun as his time playing competitive soccer, but he sticks with it. "Quite frankly, it hurts," he says. "But I do it because I value the health benefits."

The research has also highlighted three components that can help create the conditions for intrinsic motivation:

So if liking exercise is the key to sticking with it, what makes us like it? SDT researchers say you're intrinsically motivated to do an activity if it meets three basic needs. The first is autonomy -- the choice to do it was made by you, not somebody else. The second is competence -- you know what you're doing, or are at least becoming better at it. The third is relatedness -- the activity connects you in some way to other people.

And finally, discover a deeper value or a more thrilling, resonant goal when the exercise itself isn't calling to you:

But on a personal level, it's simple. If you want to stick with an exercise plan, the first step is to ask yourself why you're exercising at all. If the answer is that your girlfriend is complaining about your gut or that your doctor casually tossed out the words "headed for a coronary event," you're probably doomed to keep failing. "You have to understand why you want to do this," says Ryan. And if you don't really want to exercise at all? Latch onto an outcome you do want, be it more energy, better health, or a faster 5-K.